The Adventures of Squirky the Alien

A Children's Book Series on Adoption


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Talking about Adoption

When my husband and I started the adoption process, we attended a disclosure talk at Fei Yue Community Services. While it had always been our intention to be transparent about adoption, we’d never realised just how important it was to keep an ongoing dialogue on adoption open between parent and child during the crucial growing-up years. This is why The Adventures of Squirky the Alien book series has a Q&A section for adoptive parents on this topic. Because we feel that it’s that important, we’re reproducing this Q&A online here as well.

Qn1Why must we discuss adoption openly with our child?

It’s about building trust in your parent-child relationship. Your child has a right to know. Not talking openly about adoption implies secrecy and a sense of shame, but your child should feel safe and open in voicing out feelings and questions about being an adoptee. At the same time, as parents, it is most ideal if you are the first ones to share adoption information and have control over this information. Initiate an open and ongoing conversation about adoption with your child.

 

Qn2At what age should we tell our child that he or she is adopted?

Most resources recommend three years old as an appropriate age. Some parents choose to start earlier than three years to ‘practise’ and gain confidence in talking about adoption. When children are exposed to positive adoption terms such as “tummy mummy” (as opposed to “real mummy”) and “forever mummy” (as opposed to “adoptive mummy”) from a very young age, such a frame of reference becomes a natural part of your family’s language.

 

Qn3How do we respond to our young child who wants to search for his/her birth parents?

Acknowledge your child’s desire to search. Find out more what is behind this eagerness to search for the birth parents and address those underlying concerns. Assure your child that when he or she is older, you will definitely help in this search. All information about your child’s adoption history should preferably be disclosed by the age of twelve. If you’re unable to answer queries your child might have on the birth parents, it’s perfectly fine to say, “I am sorry, I don’t have all the answers. But we can try to find out together if this is important to you.”

 

Qn4What if our child does not regard us as the “real” parents after finding out about the birth parents?

This is why early disclosure of adoption is important—the child grows up knowing that he or she has two sets of parents, and both sets of parents are real parents. The relationship between adoptive parents and child is not replaceable. But the existence of and connection to birth parents are not things to be denied either.

 

Qn5How can we comfort our child when he or she expresses loss or grief in being adopted? 

Provide the space for your child to grieve and be sad, and assure him or her of the permanence of your adoptive family. Become that safe place when your child is at his or her lowest point. Allow your child to miss the birth family even though your child might not have met them. As adoptive parents, please do not see your child’s sense of loss for the birth family as a symptom of not feeling loved and connected with your family; these are two separate issues.

 

Qn6What are some ways to reassure our child that he/she is unconditionally loved even if we are not biologically related? 

Love your child as you would in any typical parent-child relationship: strike a balance between love and setting boundaries, provide a safe and nurturing environment, and build a stable marriage. It is important to note that while you should remain sensitive to adoption issues, you should not overcompensate.

Information adapted from Touch Family Services Ltd, Singapore, as well as input from Chang Chee Siah, Nicole Soojung Callahan, Wong Wei Lei and Andrea Yee. Illustrations by David Liew. 

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The Day You Came Home

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On the day you came home two years ago, Daddy and Mummy had no idea how to be a daddy and a mummy. We’d only had two weeks to prepare for your arrival, and we were flustered, terrified, excited and exhausted all at the same time. Fortunately, we had kind friends who gave us their children’s old things, and the onesie, blankie and car seat you see in this photo all came from your two godmas L and M.

It was your first time in a car seat and initially, you trembled and held Mummy’s thumb tight as Daddy drove you back to your new home. You looked silently out of the window, mesmerised by the passing trees and cars. Gradually, your eyes began to droop and soon, you were fast asleep.

We will always be amazed at what a trooper you were – and still are. You actually calmed us down (a little) on our first real day as parents with your tenacity in facing huge changes. There are more changes to come, C, and that’s why Mummy began writing Squirky to accompany you on the other new journeys you will take as you grow older.