Before and After: Our Very Own (A Sort-of Book Review)

Five years ago, I was at the Select Bookstore in Tanglin Shopping Centre (which no longer exists) when I came across this book: “Our Very Own: Stories Celebrating Adoptive Families” published by Touch Family Services.

This was at a time when my husband and I were curious about adoption but hadn’t really done anything yet.

The most memorable bit of that book was the account of how Rod Monterio and his wife, Joyce, adopted a one-year-old boy from the foster care system. Rod was one of my favourite DJs growing up, and just knowing that someone I was familiar with had adopted made it feel a little more accessible. The overall tone of the book was also surprising (note this was the first form of adoption literature I’d read): adoption was celebrated and appreciated, and I liked how people from a variety of backgrounds were featured in the book.

Earlier this year, the 2nd collection was launched – “Our Very Own 2: Stories Celebrating Adoptive Families”. We went for the book launch and my son spent most of the time running around with one of his buddies. We said hi to a few families that we have gotten to know over the years, and as I flipped through the book, I saw that The Adventures of Squirky the Alien #1: Why Am I Blue? had been listed as one of the resources. That’s when it really hit me: SO MUCH has happened within these five years.

It’s kind of like the potted plant that you see in the photo above. My son did some “gardening” at a birthday party last week where he got to paint a pot, dig soil and sprinkle seeds. When we got home, I chucked it at the balcony and forgot all about it. When I finally remembered yesterday, I discovered that little shoots had sprung forth.

This made me realise that growth is a part and parcel of life, and it happens whether you want it to happen or not. We age, children (and plants) grow, and sometimes, things just blossom when you’re not even really looking.

For the Our Very Own 2 book, the story which struck me the most was from an older parent, Yoke Fong, who recounted how she and her husband had adopted two girls who initially were resistant to their love. There’s this realistic resilience in this account which somehow encouraged me so much in this parenting journey.

Such stories are not bestsellers. Such stories may not really contribute anything to the “literary scene”. But these personal narratives need to be out there in a society that struggles in dealing with anything out of the norm. Such stories plant the seeds for more dialogue, acceptance and love.

If you’d like to get your hands on Our Very Own and/or Our Very Own 2, please email adoption@touch.org.sg to order the books (delivery can also be arranged). 

 

 

Friday Flips: God Found Us You

Synopsis: When Little Fox asks his mother to tell his favourite story, Mama Fox recounts the day he arrived in her life, from God to her arms. 

God Found Us You by  Lisa Tawn Bergren and Laura J. Bryant is currently C’s favourite adoption book. It’s a little more wordy (for ages 4-8) than the other bedtime stories he’s reading at the moment, but he likes the intimate conversation that takes place between Mama Fox and Little Fox. He also thinks Little Fox looks cute. There are other animals that appear as “extras” in the story, and he likes to point them out as well.

Below is our favourite part of the book. I think it’s because we’re both kind of dreamy. “Is Mama Fox going for a swim?” C. asks.

“I’d go up to the cliffs and watch for you. I stood there day after day after day …”

When I first read “God Found Us You” on my own, I did find it a tad touchy-feely. Must Mama Fox keep going on and on about how special Little Fox is? Shouldn’t he already know that by now? my stoic Asian brain cells thought to themselves. However, I did get this book long before C. talked. Reading it to him now, I realise that he is very curious to know what Mama Fox is thinking about all the time. So yes, even if this story is quite tedious to read aloud, I’m really happy C. has found an adoption story (besides Squirky!) that he enjoys.

“But I knew that someday you’d arrive, when God would find us you.”

Borrow the Book (Singapore National Libraries only)
Location: Junior Lending Picture Book
Call Number: English BER
Check for availability here (only one copy, so get it reserved!)

“I love Little Fox SOOOOOOOO much!”

This review is part of the Friday Flip series by Growing with the Tans.

Our First Adoption Book

Our first adoption book was one from Singapore: We Just Want You to Know by Andrea Yee, who is also an adoptive mother. She was one of the facilitators at the adoption disclosure talk my husband and I went for, and I found her so affirming that I just knew I had to pick up a copy of her book!

This has become one of C’s favourite books because there are plenty of animals featured here, and there is also this very reassuring and loving tone throughout the book.

At certain points in the book, you can add your own photos so the book becomes personalised. In fact, C calls this his “birthday book” because there’s a photo of him attempting to blow the candles out on his 1st birthday cake (and he never fails to re-enact that moment every time we reach that page).

I used to get quite weepy whenever I read this book (I partly blame sleep deprivation for this). I think it captures a love for a child so simply and sweetly.

I’m also wondering if there are other adoption books from Singapore?

Talking about Adoption

When my husband and I started the adoption process, we attended a disclosure talk at Fei Yue Community Services. While it had always been our intention to be transparent about adoption, we’d never realised just how important it was to keep an ongoing dialogue on adoption open between parent and child during the crucial growing-up years. This is why The Adventures of Squirky the Alien book series has a Q&A section for adoptive parents on this topic. Because we feel that it’s that important, we’re reproducing this Q&A online here as well.

Why must we discuss adoption openly with our child?

It’s about building trust in your parent-child relationship. Your child has a right to know. Not talking openly about adoption implies secrecy and a sense of shame, but your child should feel safe and open in voicing out feelings and questions about being an adoptee. At the same time, as parents, it is most ideal if you are the first ones to share adoption information and have control over this information. Initiate an open and ongoing conversation about adoption with your child.

 

At what age should we tell our child that he or she is adopted?

Most resources recommend three years old as an appropriate age. Some parents choose to start earlier than three years to ‘practise’ and gain confidence in talking about adoption. When children are exposed to positive adoption terms such as “tummy mummy” (as opposed to “real mummy”) and “forever mummy” (as opposed to “adoptive mummy”) from a very young age, such a frame of reference becomes a natural part of your family’s language.

 

How do we respond to our young child who wants to search for his/her birth parents?

Acknowledge your child’s desire to search. Find out more what is behind this eagerness to search for the birth parents and address those underlying concerns. Assure your child that when he or she is older, you will definitely help in this search. All information about your child’s adoption history should preferably be disclosed by the age of twelve. If you’re unable to answer queries your child might have on the birth parents, it’s perfectly fine to say, “I am sorry, I don’t have all the answers. But we can try to find out together if this is important to you.”

 

What if our child does not regard us as the “real” parents after finding out about the birth parents?

This is why early disclosure of adoption is important—the child grows up knowing that he or she has two sets of parents, and both sets of parents are real parents. The relationship between adoptive parents and child is not replaceable. But the existence of and connection to birth parents are not things to be denied either.

 

How can we comfort our child when he or she expresses loss or grief in being adopted? 

Provide the space for your child to grieve and be sad, and assure him or her of the permanence of your adoptive family. Become that safe place when your child is at his or her lowest point. Allow your child to miss the birth family even though your child might not have met them. As adoptive parents, please do not see your child’s sense of loss for the birth family as a symptom of not feeling loved and connected with your family; these are two separate issues.

 

What are some ways to reassure our child that he/she is unconditionally loved even if we are not biologically related? 

Love your child as you would in any typical parent-child relationship: strike a balance between love and setting boundaries, provide a safe and nurturing environment, and build a stable marriage. It is important to note that while you should remain sensitive to adoption issues, you should not overcompensate.

Information adapted from Touch Family Services Ltd, Singapore, as well as input from Chang Chee Siah, Nicole Soojung Callahan, Wong Wei Lei and Andrea Yee. Illustrations by David Liew. 

The Day You Came Home

On the day you came home two years ago, Daddy and Mummy had no idea how to be a daddy and a mummy. We’d only had two weeks to prepare for your arrival, and we were flustered, terrified, excited and exhausted all at the same time. Fortunately, we had kind friends who gave us their children’s old things, and the onesie, blankie and car seat you see in this photo all came from your two godmas L and M.

It was your first time in a car seat and initially, you trembled and held Mummy’s thumb tight as Daddy drove you back to your new home. You looked silently out of the window, mesmerised by the passing trees and cars. Gradually, your eyes began to droop and soon, you were fast asleep.

We will always be amazed at what a trooper you were – and still are. You actually calmed us down (a little) on our first real day as parents with your tenacity in facing huge changes. There are more changes to come, C, and that’s why Mummy began writing Squirky to accompany you on the other new journeys you will take as you grow older.